Why Democrats Should NOT Worry About The Virginia Fuck-Up, Fully Explained For The First Time

Virginia is not a harbinger. It was an extreme outlier.

My dear friends:

This is a new piece about Virginia. More fun. More jokes, More insights. And more pages.

Reading it will take more than 5 minutes of your time. But you’ll be laughing so much it’ll probably be worth it. 

A few minutes to relax in your day of busy-ness and maybe stress. 

A laughfest. 

A micro-vacation.

You’ll see significant changes on the first page already.

Why The Democrats Should NOT Worry About The Virginia Fuck-Up, Fully Explained For The First Time

This is what that moron Terry McAuliffe should’ve said in one of his opening statements:

“Tonight we have with us a former representative of one of the biggest war profiteers ever. I’m referring to the Carlyle Group. 

“Take a good look at my opponent Glenn Youngkin, standing to my far right. He retired as the CEO of the Carlyle Group in July last year. He’s been a CEO there since 1995. That’s how he came by his fortune of $440 million. 

“The Carlyle business model was based on investing in war. Human slaughter. The Bin Laden family were investors in Carlyle. At one of their conferences, Shafig bin Laden was their guest of honor. 

“Carlyle invested in companies with multi-billion-dollar Pentagon contracts. Their investment in United Defense Inc. alone brought in $5.8 billion. United Defense manufactures combat vehicles, artillery, naval guns, missile launchers and precision munitions. 

“Now we all know that our president and vice-president lied about WMD to give themselves a reason to invade Iraq. The job of our soldiers was to defeat Saddam Hussein — even though he was a convenient ally in the fight against terrorism. Saddam loved to hunt down Isis terrorists. Kept Iraq Isis-free and Isis-clean. Saddam himself was an evil dictator who ruled with an iron fist, and tried to crush his neighbors in two wars. Still, Isis terrorists were in mortal fear of Saddam Hussein and got the fuck out of Iraq -- except for a last few crazies whom Saddam probably tortured while his two sons looked on.

“So why did Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz want our troops to bring down Saddam Hussein? Well, Saddam had made the mistake of signing oil contracts with the Russians and the Europeans. But not with the Americans. Our Texas leaders wanted to make sure that their Texas Oil Buddies got a slice of the Iraq pie.

“So here on this stage, as a former governor of my state, I ask my opponent to apologize to the people of Virginia and America for his part in the deaths of 36,710 sons and daughters of America and another 31,994 wounded in action. Their blood is on your hands, Mr. Youngkin. You, sir, are a war profiteer. You, sir, had a major part in supplying weapons to the Pentagon. United Defense even did nuke repairs on our Navy’s ships. You gave our troops the weapons to kill between 400,000 and maybe more than a million innocent Iraqi women and children. Besides our 36,710 soldiers who died, so Exxon/Mobil could get their mitts on that oil -- and contribute to killing our planet with an extra helping of fires and floods. 

“You are part of a mass killing operation for oil. The sacrifice of 36,710 of our finest. Let’s not even talk about how much money you made in our longest war in Afghanistan. 

“You, sir, have more blood on your hands than Lady Macbeth by a factor of millions. It can never be washed off. 

“But at least you might favor us with a non-weasel apology to take some weight off your conscience — and to put a tiny bandage on the wounded hearts of thousands of America’s parents. You owe the real patriots an apology here and now. So this is my message to you. 

“Man up or shut up.”

2. But No, What Happens To Terry?

What did McAuliffe do instead?

In his final debate, McAuliffe presented a line more cracked than an Ostrich Easter Egg: “I don’t think parents should be telling schools what they should teach.”

He should have said: 

“Our kids are our future. When their parents are concerned about what their kids get taught in school, we should listen. If a mother is concerned about the sex and violence in a book like Beloved, I respect and honor that opinion. 

“At the same time, if a teacher wants to teach a Nobel Prize-winning novel about slavery to her students, I respect and honor that opinion, too. 

“That is why parents and teachers should come together, and listen to each other. Let one side win and the other side concede gracefully. Or let them compromise. That’s how things work in a democracy, and that’s how things should work in schools, too.”

The Democrat ran the worst campaign since the French at Agincourt made the mistake of taking on Sir Lawrence Olivier. And the Republican ran a brilliant campaign concentrating on local issues like education and the economy.

3. How The Suburbs And Exurbs Can Screw Democrats Big-Time

Here's what it's all about, earthlings: the suburbs and exurbs. As one Democratic wit once remarked, when Obama did well there: "I wonder if we just rented those voters."

Virginia proved they did. 

Governor-Elect Glenn Youngkin didn't invite the former guy to campaign with him. He rarely, if ever, mentioned Biden by name. Instead he channeled a simple-easy-folksy manner, constantly flashing a smile stuck to his face like a leech. He was Mr Likable the Happy Warrior. Whilst perfecting his Howdy-Doody Routine, he spoke very persuasively about meaningful local issues like the economy, education, and white-black kumbaya (his last TV ad was about diversity togetherness).  

So both MAGA's and never-Trumpers were happy to vote for Youngkin. In fact, he’s now the darling of anti-former-guy Republicans like Liz Cheney and Mitt Romney.

You have to believe your liberal eyes — the Republicans know in their DNA how to play the white folks in the suburbs and exurbs. 

Like a Stradivarius … oiled by Holy Virgin Olive Oil … the first pressing done by monks whose eyeballs have never been assaulted by a vagina. 

Take Critical Race Theory as just one example. 

Critical Race Theory has never been taught in any classroom in any state to any child. Ever. 

It’s taught only in law school, for chrissakes. At Duke Law, Critical Race Theory is a JD Elective. Methinks ambitious students might want to avoid that topic and opt for a more inviting elective. Something like “How To Lick The Anus Of A Supreme Court Judge From Twenty Feet Away.”

4. Transgenders, Politicians And Toilets

Then there’s this frightful shit: the transgender bathroom issue! 

The motherfucking worst! Worse than broccoli and walnut butter! Hordes of dudes in full makeup and mini-skirts will be taking off their panties to flash their nine-inch wangs at Christian church ladies who’ll faint all over their toilet seats.

And what about those bad hombres from Mexico, Honduras and Nicaragua? 

Those hombres! They rape the womens! They deal the hard drugs! They don’t speak the good English! And they’re stuffed up to their eyeballs with Covid worse than Dylan Thomas was with his two favorite beers: stout and porter.

5. The Biggest Big Lie

And how about this Five-Star Mega-Sized Whopper Deluxe Edition.

The Big Lie!

The election was stolen! 

Ripped from the short fingers of Rome Burning In Man Form! 

Poor MAGA’s. 

They storm the Capitol and who dies? 

A female QAnon believer and polyamorous wife who shared a younger woman with her husband in the same bed. Ashli Babbitt — now The Official Mascot Martyr Of The January 6 Rewrite. 

Babbitt voted for Obama before she became a QAnon freak. That’s how quickly reality-based voters can be Facebooked, Drudge Reported, Breitbarted, Infowarred, Zerohedged, Parlered, and QAnoned to Mega Bizarro Conspiracy Extremis.

The MAGA’s are more pissed than a Papa Bear who can’t get a Mama Bear to bend over. They’ve caught a major case of the Caucasian Grievance Blues. Oh, what pain! Oh, what a let-down! Worse than what happened to Joan of Arc! These radical socialists! Nazis! They want to burn us alive and ruin America for eternity!

The MAGA’s feel deceived — just like Jennifer Aniston when her hubby slipped Angelina the high hard one. 

So deceived and so prepped are they that they drink the Big Lie in huge gulps, like a cowboy stranded waterlesss in the desert — and all of a sudden he’s handed his first Budweiser. 

7. Karl Rove’s Little Big Lie

I’m reminded of the Little Big Lie in the 2008 primary that was spread against John McCain by Bush’s Brain.

Karl Rove to us. Turd Blossom to George W. 

The Bush scion was trailing the Republican maverick. When the two rivals came face-to-face in the make-or-break state of South Carolina, Turd Blossom let it be known that John McCain used his Hero Pecker to splooge his manbutter into the waiting womb of an African-American woman.

And hey presto! McCain’s got a black child. 

This Little Big Lie killed McCain’s chances against Bush Jr stone dead. 

Deader than a certain white general — goes by the name of Custer — at the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Gone with the wind of a Turd Blossom Wet Fart. Poor maverick war hero John McCain. 

But listen: it’s the economy, stupid. What about inflation?

Inflation!

Gas has gone up by more than a buck at the pump! 

Biden is wrecking the great economy that we got from His Orange Highness! 

Biden is ruining our lives with his radical socialist agenda!

8. Those Goddam Pompous Libtards

Finally, there’s this Ye Olde Biggie that always plays well with the right-wingers. 

That would include the Evangelicals, the Suburban Anti-Feminists, the MAGA open-carry swaggerers, the Police Unions, the upper-classes and the Super Rich, both allergic to taxes, and the Right-to-Lifers for fetuses — but not for Death Row grownups. 

The entire base, in other words. 

Poor bastards -- they're dying because of their anti-vaccine proclivities. 

Many are in oxygen tents taking up space in hospital beds. One says he’s sorry, especially about his wife and children. One says: “It’s hoax. I’ve got something else.” 

But hey, enough already with the Fast and the Furious and the Obvious. Let’s see what they think of us Dems. 

Be warned. It involves a mix of fact and fantasy that’s a marvel to behold. Adored by the "Honey, I Shrunk the Party" crowd ever since The Ronald brought us morning in America some decades ago.

The general right-wing vibe has always been that the Dems are a privileged cabal of Cabernet-quaffing, Camembert-snacking, kale-chip-munching, deplorables-despising mater fornicators of a degree of mater fornicating so bad … it would scare the teeth out of the jaws of the Great White Shark and Dracula combined. 

Yes, those mater-fornicating libtards — bicoastal exemplars of pomposity — despise us real Americans who live in fly-over country.

Now I myself count many of these Camembert freaks as my dearest friends. I buy that cheese myself; prefer it to Brie. Camembert tastes like an angel peed in my mouth. And kale chips are the Miracle Green Stuff that work harder for your libido than boner pills.

However, I don’t buy the full mater-fornicating package. 

Sure, I like to bait the MAGA’s and dance the funny on their conspiratorial posteriors. 

But I feel their pain. Their legitimate pain.

9. The MAGA’s Have Legit Pain But Blame The Wrong People

The MAGA’s feel lost. Trapped. Stuck like human bugs in a MAGA Roach Motel. 

This feeling can make any red-blooded male kinda semi-mezzo-psycho. Their angst and animus are stoked by Facebook, The Wall Street Journal, Ted Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Fucker Arson.

“I’m a MAGA man and I love and admire Fucker Arson for his brilliant analyses. I’m sick and tired of these pompous libtards. They look down on real Americans like me. They coddle the immigrant criminals and the gangster n-words. What’s more, deep in my hating heart, I have a special corner of extreme antagonism, a terribly annoying itch, to send some bitches straight to Satan’s whip. These radical socialist traitors include Nancy, Bernie, Pramila, Ilhan, AOC and kale.” 

10. Pain Stoked By Ignorance

This pain is born from in-the-marrow ignorance. These MAGA’s are as oblivious as pregnant Melania was about Stormy Daniels and her brief encounter with a mushroom-shaped winkie.

Meanwhile, who are the guys who are butt-and-skull-fucking us hard-working folks every second of our lives? 

Who but the former guy himself? He’s left a multitude of stiffed suppliers in his orange wake, and he had to repay the students he tricked with the fraudulent Trump University a substantial $25m.

Then there are his ass-lickers. Some stop. Usually way too late. Others continue to burrow deeper and deeper into the inner works of the Orange Turd Squeeze Box.

Say the names.

Bill Barr, Betsy Devos, Michael Flynn, Steve Mnuchin, Stephen Miller, Rick Perry, Ben Carson, Mike Pompeo and the Postmaster-General. 

Last but not least — in fact best of all — are the CEOs of Exxon/Mobil, Lockheed Martin, Meta Facebook, Goldman Sachs and many other rich and famous members of the Davos elite. Only the very richest and/or the very famous are invited. Got to keep those social-climbing plebs out.

These smooth-and-dangerous-like-snake-poison billionaires are the ones giving the MAGA’s a permanent and painful anal … from deep into the Hershey Highway … through the cheering intestines … past the breathing lungs … round the beating heart …… into the narrow throat … to enter the mouth like a big shit going the wrong way.

All done in broad daylight.

But under cover of culture war talking points. 

And the MAGA’s? They remain beautifully clueless. They’ll never get this: that the gold-plated pork swords of the rich have butt-fucked them to such a state, they worship a charismatic narcissist who talks their talk even though he walks like a duck about to fall on its face. 

These big corporations and their leaders, what the fuck are they up to? 

Do tell. 

I will. 

These Masters of the Universe are laughing all the way to their offshore tax havens. 

Amazon and Goldman Sachs are famous for paying zero taxes. They pass the pain on to you, the MAGA’s. 

In fact, to all of us. 

Our overlords make us feel our lives are tough, and then they promise to supply a snake oil drug that’ll make us feel better in handy bytes. This oil will make your adventures with masturbation smoother, and turn your despair into righteous rage. 

That’s how powerful this snake oil is. And them oligarchs, they’ve got oil tankers filled with GOP BS Snake Oil Drugs by the yacht full. They’ll sell you Critical Race Theory and Voter Fraud and Stop the Steal like it’s Thanksgiving fare. 

And you? 

You MAGA dudes and dudettes drink this major Orange-Flavored Kool-Aid from The Davos Skid Mark Creators in great gulps — like it’s gold from the streets of heaven. You’ve got serious Orange DNA Addiction problems.

11. MAGA’s Eat BS Like Rattlers Eat Rodents

MAGA man: you buy this complete fuck-shit-piss because a car killed your dog when you were five. 

MAGA woman: you buy this bull crapperoni because your father beat your mother. 

MAGA single mom: you buy this double deluxe shit sandwich because you work two jobs to put food on the table for your three kids and your five-month-old baby. Where’s the husband? With some younger model.

MAGA upscale dude: you who whine on $450,000 a year in a mansion in a gated community … you buy this shit because Fucker Arson yells at the tax-and-spend libtards like he’s Voldemort on acid to your great delight. Rock on, Fucker Arson! You also buy this shit because you’ve let Rupert Murdoch Goebbels and Mark Fuckberger Kremlin steal your brain and pickle it lightly in the poop of Jewish Space Lasers and the Chinese Climate Change Hoax. 

Ask any MAGA this hard-to-duck question that can’t be asked enough: “By the way, do you think the Super Rich and Connected ever feel any qualms about the fact that they dump on the poors, the Blacks and the Browns, only in order to get you to the voting booth — so they can profit from roasting our planet till it’s too hot to screw on?”

Ask a MAGA dudette that and she will tell you straight: “Sweetie, bless your heart. But you’ll have to excuse me. I’m off to Dallas to await the return of JFK Jr.”

The Super Rich And Connected pay their lobbyists gazillions to write the laws for the GOP cowards they have in their pockets. And then their elected wimps present those words verbatim to Congress as laws bearing their names. Researchers have found that people like you and me — middle-class and working-class stiffs of all colors — have never had any influence on our law-making. I’m not talking 5% or 10%. NEVER.

12. Just Because Terry the Fool Fucked Up In Virginia, Doesn’t Mean We’re All Screwed

Meanwhile, Biden’s approval rating swims around where Obama's was. It’s better than the former guy’s ever was. 

But hey, watch The New York Times and The Washington Post do their official duty of bothsiderism. Let’s pile on Biden. Go lightly on the good — but pump the bad up bigly. Our centrist liberal press never misses an opportunity to shoot their own party in the foot.

Listen to me, you gnashers-of-teeth and pullers-of-hair after what happened in Virginia. 

Calm down. Roll a five-blade blunt and take a warm bath.

My fellow Democrats, let the 4-Letter Prog assure you. All is not lost. In fact, much has been won. The future looks good for the Democratic Party.

Three things might lead to a Biden landslide in 2024.

1. The economy will roar.

2. The Supreme Court will have weakened or overturned Roe v Wade, thereby infuriating a majority of vagina owners, who have more empathy in their pinkies than a hundred MAGA’s have in their collective buttocks.

3. The Screaming Carrot Demon will run again — if he can avoid being nailed by Alvin Bragg, the new super-smart Black Manhattan Attorney-General.

Any one of these will blow the MAGA’s out of the water. Imagine what a new Sore Loser Story we’ll hear then. Who will they blame? Cat videos? Rottweilers?

But.

Yes, there’s a but.

Bigger than the former guy’s butt. 

Really big, like Mount St Helens. 

Multiplied by infinity.

As James Carville said on PBS Newshour: the Democrats have to become salesmen as well as policy makers. Too many Democrats are good policy makers instead of good salespeople; most of the good policy makers can’t sell honey to a bear, forget about selling Elon Musk a new non-algorithmic name for his daughter. Emily? Nicole? Athena? 

Now, as for the ratfucking Republicans: they know from selling. They’re masters at it. They win because of it. They can supply big fat kegs of misinformation, conspiracy theories and outright lies. 

All gussied up as Thanksgiving fare. 

And the MAGA folks eat that shit up like it is jelly beans from the Archangel Gabriel. Why not? It’s no disappointment for them to learn that it actually all emanates from the Orange Orangutan’s butthole.

What’s more, here’s the money shot in your eye. 

The GOP controls the narrative. 

Which is why they’ve got their folks riled up like rattlesnakes whose babies were stepped on by the Lone Ranger.

These MAGA dudes and dudettes, OMG. 

Their enthusiasm factor is through the roof. But some of them feel twinges of doubt. One January 6 insurrectionist says he was duped. He’s sorry. He believed all that crazy stuff, but the scales have dropped from his eyeballs. 

Let the novel-writing 4-Letter Progressive imagine his stream of consciousness for you.

“Listen. Please. There’s something else. We who wear the MAGA hats … we’re nuttier than a gang of squirrels in a peanut-butter factory. We’re crazier than a warthog on speed. Our cheese has slid right off our crackers. Us MAGA patriots … we’ve got fifteen kangaroos butt-fucking one another in the vacant lot we call our brains.”

13. Glenn Youngkin, the Happy Warrior

So Youngkin was the happy warrior selling believable snake oil.

And McAuliffe was Terry the Fool.

Terry tried to persuade voters that Youngkin had his tongue up the ass of Orange Julius when Youngkin never invited the former guy to campaign with him. McAuliffe was such a fool, even Obama, Biden and Harris couldn’t do his work for him.

Dear humans, Virginia was not a harbinger. 

IT WAS AN OUTLIER. 

In a box unlike any other box. 

All by itself in its own very peculiar “no trees killed for the materials contained in this container” box.

That’s why I’m telling you, dear friends of mine, NOT to worry. 

No Democrat will ever again hand their opponent the pure gold that McAuliffe gave Youngkin. 

Terry the Fool alarmed the shit out of suburban and exurban parents in super-long spools of yucky stuff. 

How in the name of all 60,000 Hindu gods do you expect to win anything when you tell parents, hey, you have no rights when it comes to the education of your children?  

That gaffe sure beats the loose-lips line of the Lady Supreme who claims that Supreme Court members are not “political hacks.” The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Also, Terry the Fool should stop it with the dancing. Prancing around like a flamingo that’s gone way over the legal alcohol limit. Oy vey. The dude looks like the idiot uncle who embarrasses the family every time he drops by to make them cringe worse than Princess Di did when she first saw Charlie’s winkie.

14. Democrats, You Gotta Win With Words

Let's face it, Republicans know how to win with misinformation and lies — starting with Ronald Reagan and his “welfare queens.” 

It’s time the Democrats learned how to win with the truth. 

So how do you win with the truth? 

By using words that win. It’s the messaging, stupid. 

I know whereof I speak. 

I was a big-time six-figure advertising star on Madison Ave before I became the slam poet Evert Eden (google that name to see me slam) and the singer-songwriter Eve Dada (google YouTube, then type in … Eve Dada “Beyonce Thighs” … for musical and visual laughs).

I worked on the first four years of the Absolut Vodka campaign with art director Geoff Hayes. We took that Swedish vodka from nothing to the #1 import in four years, with more than a 50% market share. It’s still the longest-running print campaign in advertising history. 

So listen up, Democratic campaign managers and strategists. And whoever came up with “Build Back Better.”

What the fuck does that mean? That the Democrats will put up better housing in flooded towns?

Hillary’s “Stronger Together” — is that meant for our weight-lifting team at the next Olympics?

Here is what a seasoned ex-Madison Ave pro thinks about Democratic messaging in general and in particular: your moves are lousier than the way Caligula managed his moves —and he made his favorite horse a Roman Senator. 

15. Democrats Should Own The Two Biggest Words

Biden should’ve called his bill “The Family Freedom Act.” After all, that’s what the bill gives us.

Family freedom.

As in — free your family from expensive child care. Free your family from expensive prescription drugs. From student debt. From huge dental bills. From inferior education. Etcetera.

Of course, there are two heroes standing in the way of “The Family Freedom Act.” 

Number one, Joe Manchin.

The GOP’s employee of the month (that’s a priceless crack from Andy Borowitz).

Number two,  Krysten Sinema.

She started as a Green Party activist and where does she end up? At this: “I dress great, therefore I think stupid.” 

Question: who are the corporate motherfuckers pulling the strings of their puppet, Joe “Five-Star Jerk” Manchin? Who told him to send paid family leave all the way to Hades? 

It’s not about those “Democrats,” folks. It’s about 100% Republicans and two selfish jerks.

16. Words Win Elections

Winning words make for winning elections. “Let’s Make America Great Again” did it for Reagan. “Compassionate conservative” did it for Bush Jr. “Change You Can Believe In” did it for Obama. “Make America Great Again,” well, that line did it again — this time for the Orange Tsunami. 

Hillary was useless with words. “I’m with her?” Please.

Here are two slogans for the Democrats to take under consideration. 

“We stand for family freedom.” 

“We fight for the freedom of your family.” 

They have a better ring than “Build back better.” 

Or “Stronger Together.” 

Or even “Make America Great Again.”

Democrats, choose your words better.

Don’t say we need police reform. 

Say we need the freedom of great police protection.

Don’t say we need gun control. 

Say we need freedom from guns for bad people.

Don’t say pro-choice. 

Say reproductive freedom. Or womb freedom.

Instead of always banging on about “climate change” — which we all do — it might be better to talk about freedom from floods and fire.

Now take Godzilla With Less Foreign Experience — he knows how to mind-meld like a Vulcan with his peeps. He talks perfect Blue Collar from years of hanging with the hardhats who were building the casinos that he bankcrupted.

The former guy is a master of the words that your typical MAGA gets, likes, and repeats. The conservative news outlets are on every detail of his doings and sayings like a horny rabbit on an even more aroused oryctolagus cuniculus.

The former guy wielded Twitter like Toshiro Mithune’s sword in The Seven Types of Cowardice.

Those golden words and dark deeds that he commits — the MAGA’s like to repeat them. His Orange Highness — how he owns the libs.

His not-so-bon mots are widely circulated in conservative circles like mental Viagra. The conservative media and internets feature him word for word 24/7. They’re on his Daily Smack Talk like a horny rabbit on an even more aroused oryctolagus cuniculus.

Nevertheless The Donald has one remarkable accomplishment under his long, long belt. He did something different with hair. That’s hard to do. Ask any woman.

Now. It’s time for this newsletter to get down to words. The Right Ones. So OK humans. OK Dems. Listen up.

You know you’ve gotta have better words to disable the treacherous neutrons in the brain matter of the MAGA-deluded. 

You may even feel that you gotta talk harder and louder to shut down the War on Women in every MAGA head, on every MAGA’s lips — and in every MAGA’s desire to power up the pork sword and the vajayjay. 

16. How To Attack The Former Guy

This is how Democrats can attack Fuckface von Clownstick (that’s what Jon Stewart called the former guy long before he became President):

“What did Trump do for you? All he did was cut taxes for rich people. For big corporations who pay zero axes. He’s just another rich man who only helps other rich people. 

“He didn’t protect you from Covid. He couldn’t even protect himself from it. 

“With 4% of the world’s population, we’re the #1 World Leader.”

Now the speaker switches to parody. He acts out the voice, facial expressions, and body language of a raging MAGA.

“Owens getting all them medals? Gimme a break. What we’ve got here is a grand death total of 750,000 Americans. It’s a miracle. The US is breaking its own Covid Casualty World Record every day. We’re gonna get the Gold, Silver and Bronze together. The whole collection. Well done, America.” 

Now the presenter goes back to himself; his public persona.

“750,000 dead and still counting. Did you ever try to drink bleach to protect yourself, as suggested by your president? And what’s with his weird hair? He’s too weird to be president.”

Don’t call Trump a liar, a braggart, a loudmouth, a narcissist or a crook. 

Call him something that will stick. Call him weird. He really is a weird guy. He says the weirdest things. He said that thing about bleach — wasn’t that weird? He bragged about the love letters he gets from the North Korean dictator — isn’t that weird? He said he’s a stable genius — isn’t that super-weird? 

Let’s fantasize his reaction to being called weird:

“I’m not weird. I’m a regular guy. Can’t a guy love a letter from a fellow dictator? It’s all fake news. I don’t have short fingers. My big hands make my fingers look short. I don’t think this red tie is too long on its way down to my package. It sends a signal. And my penis isn’t shaped like a common mushroom. It’s more like the mushroom over Hiroshima.”

See? Make fun. Make points. That’s how you dismiss a weirdo. Only non-patriotic weirdos would vote for such a weird guy.

It reminds me of a great LBJ story. He was about to lose an election in one of his first campaigns. Desperate, he asked his staff: “Why don’t we say our opponent fucks pigs?” “You can’t do that, it’s not true,” they told LBJ. “I know,” LBJ replied. “But wouldn’t you like to hear him deny it?”

17. How To Go Medieval On The GOP’s Ass

Here’s something else worth researching to see if it might work. 

How about calling the Democrats the party of Robin Hoods? 

“We take from the rich to give to the rest of us.” 

And call the GOP the party of the Sheriff of Nottingham. 

“He fleeced the poor to help the rich. That’s what the Republicans always do. They’re the party for rich people, not for hard-working folks like you. They help the rich more than they’ll ever help you.” 

Here’s another bit of soaring rhetoric taken to the edge of orgasmic optimalism.

“We Democrats shoot for the stars because we believe in the workers of America. That why we’re the do-everything party. Then at least some great things get done. Unlike the do-nothing party. They do everything to tell you that CEOs and big corporations are not the cause of your pain. When Amazon pays zero taxes, they pass the pain on to you. Stop being the patsies of all the reborn Robber Barons — Facebook, Amazon, Walmart, Wall Street, Exxon/Mobil, Lockheed/Martin. They pass their blame on to the Blacks and the Browns, and you believe their snake oil. Question: do you think these big corporate CEOs ever feel any qualms about the fact that they turn such vulnerable people into your worst villains — when they themselves are the real bastards?”

And here’s the protest song — kind of a chant — against these billionaire bastards. Start slowly. Then let everyone join in on the chorus.

VERSE:

No more of the rich

For the rich

By the rich

BRIDGE:

Sue their tax havens for billions 

At the World Court

Pay your fair share of taxes

Otherwise

Other-fucking-wise

CHORUS:

Lock you up

Lock you up 

Lock you up 

You crooked CEO

Lock you up

Lock you up 

A long time

A long time

Repeat chorus. Ad infinitum, if you feel the need. For a free MP3 of the song, email me at evertcilliers@yahoo.com — my email address featuring my birth name.

Also, give the families of the cops who got beaten the flagpoles their husbands were beaten with. Then chain the guilty insurrectionists to a pole. Then tell the family members they’re free to beat these bastards with the same flagpoles these bastards used on their sons and fathers. Your husband and father got beaten defending the Constitution and the US Capitol. It won’t help to ask Moscow Mitch for redress. So here you’ve got it, right in front of you — courtesy of the Constitutional Defend and Avenge League. So, beloved wife, beloved brothers, sisters, children, grandparents — have a go at these bullies. But understand, no pressure. You’re free to walk away. Maybe just spit in his face. Or whack the bastard as hard as you can. That’s what he did to your Dad. It’s up to you. Freedom!

That’s a fantasy. By the fucking way.

Democrats, start using better words. That’s how you can kick the Republicans whether they’re up or down. Or when — in maybe twenty years’ time — they have shrunk down to the size of twenty specimens in the hut of a Borneo headhunter.

18. Repetition Goes In One Ear And Finally Stops In The Other Ear

“We stand for family freedom.” 

Those are winning words. 

Start using them ASAP. 

Repetition, consistent repetition: that’s how you get into the heads of the American people. 

They’re totally distracted by genocide-facilitating Facebook. 

By extreme Squid Game violence. 

By the cute dances on TikTok. 

By the second time around with The Sopranos. The Crown. Downton Abbey. All nine of The Fast and The Furious. All the Sean Connery James Bonds.

And by the hilarious comedy of revenge porn.

It’s time for a 180 degree turn away from Let’s Go Brandon. Let’s hammer this fact into everyone whose ears are not totally shut down by QAnon Poopy Bits: 

The Democratic Party is the ONLY party who gives you true family freedom — starting with Social Security under FDR; Medicare under LBJ; Obamacare under Barack Hussein; and now with Joe Biden’s “Family Freedom Act.” 

Repeated ad nauseam, “We stand for family freedom” could be the ticket for the Democratic Party in 2022 and 2024.

Take it from me and my admittedly “hopey changey” angle. The mind of the 4-Letter Progressive works contrary to 8-letter expectations.

I base my politics on hope, not fear. I can’t wait for 2024. 

When Covid will have gone the way of the hula hoop. 

When the economy will be running like Usain Bolt. 

And when Nancy Pelosi will make reproductive freedom the law of the land because the Supremes stomped it half-dead. 

Ah, 2024. 

The rematch: Biden v The Former Guy. 

Or if the Angry Creamsicle is accessorizing his face bronzer with an orange jumpsuit, it could be Ron de Santis or Josh Hawley or Ted Cruz or some unknown person from the depths of QAnon.

19. In Conclusion

Last time Biden’s 81 million creamed the Tangerine Tornado’s 74 million votes. It was Joe’s 51.3% of votes cast against The Donald’s 46.8% — a difference of 4.5%.

2024 will be different. 

The MAGA peeps are dying because they’re anti-vaccine blockheads. As for the GOP establishment, they’re desperate. They will try everything from voter fraud to gerrymandering to letting MAGA officials oversee elections and maybe nullify them. 

They know they can only win by cheating. 

So they will lose. And then they will become the sorest of sore losers. Who will they blame next time? Cat videos? Rottweilers?

We may even begin to hear the first signs of the GOP’s death rattle in 2024, coughing up its pathos from sea to shining sea. After all, besides being responsible for at least 160,000 unnecessary Covid deaths, probably most of them his voters, the former guy has turned Ted Cruz and Lindsay Graham into bootlicking cowards — and is single-handedly splitting the Republican Party between the Josh Hawleys and the Liz Cheneys. 

What if Liz Cheney decides to run for the presidency to represent the reality-based conservatives?

A mega-landslide for the Democratic Party.

Blow me with a Hoovermatic … that will be music to my aural apparatus.

As it will be to your ears, too.

20. Coming Attractions

How Fucked Was The GOP Already That An Orange Asshole Like Trump Could Take Them Over?

There Will Never Be A More Successful Motherfucker Of A House Speaker Than The Great Nancy Pelosi.

The GOP’s “Critical Race Theory” Attack Is Ratfucking Bullshit Of The Lowest Order.

Why The Former Guy Had To Birth The Big Lie Out Of His Unhinged Ass.

The Orange Asshole Is One Of The Biggest Mass Murderers Ever Because 160,000 Americans Died Unnecessarily Under His Watch.

Listen Up, MAGA Deplorables: “Critical Race Theory” Is Only Taught In Law Schools As An Elective. Not In Your Children’s Classrooms, For Fuck’s Sake.

The Ratfucking Repulsicans Are The Political Equivalent Of Serial Killer Geoffrey Dahmer.

Why AOC Is The Skull Fucker Of Republicans We Need.

The Honorable Assholes Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham Are The Biggest Cowards Since General Horatio Gates Fled The Battle of Camden In 1780.

De Santis and Abbott Live So Far Up The Former Guy’s Ass, They Can Never Get His Poop Off Their Tongues.

The MAGA’s Are Skull-Fucked For Life Because Of Their Terrible Childhood Traumas.

And much, much more. 

So here’s to all you assorted mater fornicators, rebels, outlaws, freaks, socialists, radicals, centrists, moderates, fence-sitters, swing voters and even Liz Cheneys. 

From my writers mouth to your excellent ears:

Be of good cheer, fellow Dems. The 4-Letter Progressive is on your side.

Stay safe. 

Eat your power foods: blueberries, walnuts and kale. 

To be continued.

Sincerely,

The 4-Letter Progressive

(aka Eve Dada)